The Search for Mr Porcine P Maximus
My regular blog readers will already be aware Denham Hall is an all-girls college of learning. As Miss Sefton the headmistress points out it is a college for genteel young ladies of established Christian families, founded by George the Second in 1730. It has a small boarding section consisting of four dorms and a day pupils section.
All phone calls for the boarders go directly to the front office. Day student parents are encouraged not to phone during college hours. Boarders are treated somewhat differently, like unmined gold. One must appreciate the fees Denham Hall charge their parents is somewhat similar to amounts governments give as foreign aid to developing countries; yes Denham Hall is considered a very posh college.
Elspeth refers to it as Denham Hall Pty Ltd or is it incorporated?
Gordon, the boy who sometimes collects the money at the door at the folk club and arranges free coffees and stuff for Tamsin, likes to show off telling his friends that Tamsin is his girl-friend and that she goes to a very posh college named Denham Hall and can speak a dozen languages, mostly those that are not spoken anymore (like Latin and Greek), which is not true. I am not sure if Tamsin is aware of this.
Anyways why boys want to be associated with Tamsin is beyond me.
Tamsin and I are the only pupils from Scotland. Her home is the old Presbytery at Loch Awe. My home is the big grey castle at Inveraray with all the turrets and stuff by the side of Loch Fyne.
Hang on I forget where I was going with this.
Oh yes, this is where things get a bit bizarre.
I turned into bed early as I was not feeling too well.
The last thing I remember before falling off to sleep was Tamsin asking “Bridgette why don’t you write a male teacher into your Denham Hall blog?”
Yawning I replied “Well, we already have Mr Crisis, but I could add another male teacher. I hadn’t thought of that, but what’s he going to teach?”
I was so tired I was having trouble keeping my eyes open.
Tamsin said “What about Physical Education, you know like P.E?”
I asked “What shall I call him?”
She said “What about Sir?” It was shaping up to be of those evenings.
Irritated I said “Don’t be stupid Tamsin, I meant his name”.
She thought about it and suggested “What about Porcine?”
I inquired “Porcine, PORCINE! …… what’s this Porcine got to do with anything?”
She said “He was a Gladiator in the Roman Empire days. He fought lions and stuff in the amphitheatre. Porcine Maximus - you must have heard of him”.
I said “You just made that up didn’t you? What happened to him?”
Tamsin replied “A lion ate him”.
I saw no point in continuing this discussion, but I thought I would indulge her and write this Porcine person into my Denham Hall blog. I drifted off to sleep.
It was a while later when I awoke I was told, to my horror, this Mr Porcine Peregrine Maximus person was wanted by the police. I was called to Miss Sefton’s office and was confronted by two policemen. They asked me what I knew of this man.
I said “I do not know him personally. As far as I was concerned he was just a figment of my imagination or rather Tamsin’s”. It was getting very silly.
The policeman said sternly “There is no need to cover for him. It is in your best interest to come clean on his whereabouts or you will have to come down to the station with us Miss Campbell this is a serious matter and we don’t not want to waste time hunting around the college to discover where he is hiding. Do you understand me?”
I asked “What’s he done?”
He replied “well, all I can tell you is it’s something to do with pigs”.
I ask “did he steal one?”
He answered “I have already said Miss that I cannot reveal the nature of his crime as he has not yet been charged, but what I can tell you Miss Campbell is …..” and pausing the policeman was struggling to explain the circumstances that had called for the arrest of Mr Porcine Maximus.
“How I can best describe it. He has been masquerading as a pig”.
I thought ‘oh no; this is like getting silly, like really silly’.
The policeman said “we are given to understand you introduced this Mr Maximus to the college confirming his suitability for the vacant position of PT Instructor and gave glowing references to Miss Sefton for the position. Is that correct?’’
I was at this point I was getting really annoyed and I replied forcefully “YES, BUT-ONLY-IN- MY-BLOG”.
“Miss Campbell I don’t know how long you can continue to use your blog as an excuse to hide this man from the law but it will not wash”. His voice appeared to change to a high pitched female voice. He continued “do you hear me Miss Campbell; it will not wash any more. We are losing patience with you.”
I was then called to Miss Sefton’s office. She said “Now sit down Miss Campbell. I have had the police here looking for this Mr Porcine Peregrine Maximus. Have you been harbouring him?”
“No” I shouted. “HE IS A CHARACTER IN MY FICTIONAL BLOG” and repeated “HE DOES NOT EXIST”.
“Well Miss Campbell blog or no blog the police seem to think he does exist and they think you may be hiding him” she replied.
Miss Sefton paused, leaned forward picked up a hand mirror off her desk, placed her elbows on the table then proceeded to draw with a black felt pen a pretend moustache on her upper lip. She put the mirror down then carefully put the tips of her fingers together, paused again then mused “Miss Campbell, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad”.
At first I thought this was very silly thing to say in the circumstances and totally out of character for Miss Sefton. It was then I realised I was hallucinating.
It was at this point I woke up sweating and quite nauseous. I was taken to the infirmary and told I had experienced a nightmare. Personally I suspect it was the effects of consuming a tainted oyster that Tamsin gave me yesterday which she said she had found leftover on a plate after a party in the teachers common room….like a couple of days ago.
I am seriously thinking whether to give up this blogging altogether. I must take up another hobby. I have always wanted to do painting or something like clay figurines or stuff, but as I have my blog under submission for publication I thought better of it. Must not get ahead of myself.
It was Monday morning and decided I was NOT going to write this Mr Porcine Maximus into my blog regardless of what Tamsin suggests. I was not all that keen on the idea in the first place.
By the way, I sicked up a couple of times last night but I am alright now. I am going to have to have a word or two with Tamsin the next time I see her. She is a danger to herself …….and to everyone else.
A week later at home at Inveraray and here it is only a personal opinion I stress, there is nothing more annoying than the sound of a piano being tuned first thing in the morning when one is trying to sleep. Sometimes I think these things are done on purpose.
Thank you mother. Couldn’t you have arranged a more suitable time?
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