Rickmansworth Jottings.
Tamsin ordered the Carte De Jour, not too well done with béarnaise sauce, asparagus and a bowl of chips. I blushed crimson; if Miss Pringle our French teacher was present she would have had palpitations or convulsions and wondered what was the purpose of teaching school children French for years.
Tamsin does have her moments of pure genius however, proved by her brave but brief foray into the beauty industry. It was an internet adventure where she hoped to rival the ‘House of Yves Saint Éclair’ in Paris. Her discovery was a beauty product for the removal of unsightly ladies’ moustaches and private hair. Most importantly, what set it apart from the propriety brands was the user could actually harvest the base material needed for the hair removal themselves…tree sap.
We agonized for days over a brand name. I suggested ‘Airs and Graces’. My best friend Patience suggested ‘Air on a G String’. Finally, it was Tamsin who came up with a corker, ‘Brazilian Scream’. She reasoned this was the interpretation of the sound she expected to hear from the user as one ripped off the sap-impregnated elastoplast from the offending hair. We all concurred.
Even though we copyrighted the product, sadly the idea never found real favor with the general public.
Tamsin was keen to cement her mark in Rickmansworth and perhaps encourage the Rickmansworth Council to affix a blue commemorative plaque on a wall in the high street. We decided to move one step at a time on this one.
Our first opportunity came when the Red Lion Pub held a ‘Rickmansworth has Talent’ show. We decided even without a musical agent we could have a good chance of taking this one out. A name for our act was going to be a big problem. We eventually plumped for The Irish Rovers; plural you will note.
I was to play the washboard and sing. Tamsin played the tin whistle. We were to give a special rendering of ‘Whisky in the Jar’. I warned the organizer our version ran for 25 minutes but if they preferred a longer version we could accommodate them with like a special de luxe concert version that ran for 1¼ hours. In that one I have a washboard break of about 20 minutes.
He said as he had a dozen or so contestants lined up they would have to go with the shortened version.
I thought it was going very well. It was only after about 15 minutes when the pub was almost empty the grumpy organizer walked up to the stage and ordered us to leave. When I asked why, his excuse was the patrons were fed up waiting for the ‘Daddy Oh’. Well, that was their loss and Rickmansworth’s potential musical reputation down the drain.
While I have your attention I must recount one of father’s many anecdotes. He had previously related this story to Colonel and Lady Rowena Carter-Brown over a glass of port at one of our regular bridge parties; a story about a warship that was hit by a torpedo in the North Atlantic.
As the ship was about to keel over into the icy waters the ships, the pastor gathered everyone on deck and invited them to join him in the well-known hymn ‘Abide with Me’.
A small voice was heard to call out from the back of the assembled men. ‘What key are we in Jack?’ Personally I think it is an anecdote told in bad taste, and I did not hesitate to tell mother so.
I’m not sure if you are interested, but Colonel Carter-Brown’s wife, Lady Rowena, kept her title of Lady when she divorced her first husband, Sir Radcliffe-White.
I must tell you about my friend Graham. I hastily add he is NOT my boyfriend. I met him at a first aid refresher course. He partnered me in the resuscitation techniques.
I told mother about Graham attempting to kiss me on the……. erm escalator at the shopping centre. I told her I suspect Graham is experiencing his first sexual awakening. Mother said, “Bridgette dear of course he is. He a 16 year old male for heaven’s sake”.
She also warned me not to continue to frolic with males of the opposite species on escalators in shopping centers.
She also warned me not to continue to frolic with males of the opposite species on escalators in shopping centers.
I did not realize mother had a sense of humour. I know father does because he married her.
It was mother that first accused me of being gullible and I believed her. Father must also think I am gullible. He recounted another one of his ‘untold stories’ concerning the Titanic that he said most people are totally unaware of. He said when it was sinking and only a few passengers and crew remained on deck the captain ordered the orchestra to lead the survivors in the hymn ‘Eternal Father Strong to Save’...…or something like that.
At the end of the singing, they were to observe one minutes silence in memory of those still struggling in the water after which the orchestra would then segue straight into the charleston, followed by musical chairs then the hokey pokey. Drinks would be served; fancy dress was optional. I asked mother how long had father indulged in bad taste.
Graham has just rung up and asked mother if I am free this evening. Mother exploded “free, FREE GRAHAM? She is not THAT cheap”.
I pointed out an advert to mother. ‘WITCHCRAFT LESSONS’. To galvanize her interest I pointed out there were discounts for seniors.
She said I can forget my birthday present. It is not going to happen. I think I will turn her into a frog.
Later I asked her to rethink her decision. I pointed out to her it was a simple mistake. The advert read ‘STITCHCRAFT LESSONS’.
I am afraid to sleep now because I might leave my earthly body and find myself on the outer edge of one of the universes as a bolt of pure energy …..and for all his faults I was beginning to like Graham.
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